Letting Go

Recently, I was studying forgiveness in a spiritual development program I am enrolled in and this story was shared. Park rangers in Africa have devised an incredibly unique way of catching monkeys. Tagging and administering medicine to monkeys are routine tasks of rangers. In an effort not to harm the monkeys with guns and darts as they capture them, the rangers have come up with something they call "the banana method."  It’s simple but effective trick. You take a fairly large and heavy Plexiglas box and drill a small hole in the side of it, a hole just big enough for the monkey to squeeze its hand through. Inside the box you place a banana. Inevitably, the monkey will see the banana through the Plexiglas and come down from the tree to get it. By straightening out its fingers, the monkey can easily get its hand in and grab hold of the banana, but once the monkey makes a fist with the banana in it, there is no way for it to pull its hand back out. It's stuck, that is as long as it refuses to let go of the banana. And for some reason having to do with complex issues of adaptation and instinct, monkeys - virtually every single one of them - have a terrible time letting go.

Freedom is right there for the taking if only they let loose their grip. But, you see, they don't. A part of them holds on for dear life. A part of them remains stuck. And it's important to remember that it's not their whole being stuck in the cage, only their fist, only one small part of them. But that one small part, because it is unable to let go, becomes a great weight to the monkey, holding its entire life hostage.

So, you are probably thinking…what has the monkeys not letting go of the banana got to do with forgiveness? They are just monkeys who do not know any better! Well, I probably would not make an association between these monkeys and forgiveness either before thinking seriously about forgiveness.  I had not really thought too much about forgiveness since I tend to be one of those individuals who may think about a transgression for a little while but then I let it go. As a matter of fact, I think of forgiveness as a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge and that is exactly what I do…make the decision to forgive. It does not mean that I will forget or that I do not believe that individuals should not be held responsible for the cruelties, abuse, and injustices they have inflicted on others. No…I do believe in justice! However, there are many individuals who are walking around in significant pain and anguish because they are still holding on to something that someone did to them. This “something” could be minor like someone taking a parking space even though you were there first and had your blinker on…or… your boss embarrassing in front of your peers. Or, it can be much more traumatic like someone hurting or even murdering a loved one…or even a whole community. The list can go on and on and unfortunately, one “unforgiveness” can pile onto another to the point where you become stuck in your own victimhood...stuck like the monkey. The question is…how long are you willing to stay stuck?

Research findings suggest that failure to forgive may, over a lifetime, boost a person's risk for heart disease, mental illness and other ills -- and, conversely, that forgiving others may improve health.  So, are you like the monkey who cannot let go of the banana and as a result, is stuck and even wallowing in the role of victim? Or, have you made the decision to let go and get your life back? Think about it! Remember, all who wander are not lost!

Examining Our Habits of Thinking

This morning I had the most wonderful treat…my monthly Thai massage! I lay on a mat for ninety minutes while my masseuse used her hands, her feet, her body, and herbal balls to loosen my muscles and release stress pent up in different parts of my body. It was absolutely blissful!!! And to think that I almost talked myself out of trying this type of massage!

While in Prague a couple of years ago, my friend Karyn and I happen to walk past a Thai massage parlor. Karyn became very excited about the prospect of getting a Thai massage and proposed that we make an appointment. I vividly remember my reaction. I took a deep breath and said resolutely that I did not think I wanted someone “walking all over my body.” When she asked me if I had ever had a Thai massage, I had to embarrassingly admit that I had never been in a Thai massage parlor.

I realize now that my response had been fueled by my own imagination of what I thought a Thai massage was. I have no idea how I made this inferential leap that the masseuse would be “walking all over my body” but obviously I had some data and experiences in the recesses of my subconscious mind that very swiftly surfaced to lead me to this bizarre conclusion. Thank goodness I have a very patient friend who shared her experiences and suggested I give it try. I finally acquiesced and of course, I have been hooked on Thai massages ever since. But, I haven’t forgotten how the limitations of my own thinking, primarily untested assumptions, contributed to me making a decision that led to me avoiding this type of massage for years.

How many times have you made such an inferential leap and come to a conclusion that did not make much sense to some of the people around you? You may have even had difficulty explaining how you arrived at your conclusion and instead of opening yourself to others’ perspectives to enlarge your view, you quietly dug your heels in to defend your Truth (notice the capital T?). In the Fifth Discipline Field book, Rick Ross points out that our ability to achieve the results we truly desire can be eroded by our thinking that:

· Our beliefs are the Truth

· TheTruth is obvious

· Our beliefs are based on real data

· That data we select are the real data

The problem is…we usually don’t have all the data or we have selected the data that conveniently reinforces our stance or belief. AND, sometimes we have constructed our own reality that only makes sense to us. In the case of the massage, my somewhat distorted Truth only impacted me and delayed my gratification. No big deal! However, in an organizational setting, the limitations in our thinking can limit our ability to perceive reality which in turn hampers our ability to identify and address the real issues. Consequently, organizational effectiveness is suboptimized.

In today’s world of complex issues and unprecedented challenges, the ability to either challenge our own assumptions or allow our assumptions to be challenged by others is an often overlooked leadership competence but perhaps the one significant competitive advantage organizations possess. Examining, understanding, and perhaps, changing our habits of thinking to increase our ability to see more complexity in the world should be part of any leadership development process. In her book, Changing on the Job, Berger points out that “from a developmental perspective, real growth requires some qualitative shift, not just in knowledge, but in perspective or way of thinking.” So, how can we support the development of critical thinking skills in organizational leaders?

The Choices We Make

One of the holiday traditions I have maintained since I was a child was to watch some version of the Christmas Carol. As a matter of fact, I think I have seen all of them. When I was younger, I was intrigued (and a little frighten) about the ghosts visitation and how they helped Scrooge to become a better person. Interesting, each time I watch the story, I come away with a little bit more enlightenment. This year the enlightenment was my own proneness to linear thinking.

I think most of us assume that Scrooge turned out be a rather crotchety and dishearten individual because of his relationship with his father. In other words, Scrooge’s father was the cause of Scrooge being an unhappy and stingy person especially during what should be one of the most joyous and generous times of the year. However, this year it occurred to me that Scrooge’s predicament was a classic example of multicausality.  

The notion of multicausality stems from our realization that there are many influences that impact us. Although we may have a negative experience, we choose how we respond to it. Individuals with very similar backgrounds or personal histories may exhibit very different attitudes and behaviors because of the choices they make. Our personal history is made up many bifurcations….the choices we make (sometimes without much thought), and the consequences we experience.

Scrooge became the person he was because of one of the choices he made….namely, his relationship with money. He chose money-making as a priority. The Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present provided him with a glimpse on how his choice-making (somewhat unconscious) had resulted in his being a rather unhappy person. The Ghost of Christmas Future showed him what would possibly happen if he did not change his ways. The choice was his to make again!!!

Many of us notoriously start the New Year with resolutions because we see this as an opportunity to make a better and more intentional choice. However, we may not have a good appreciation for how we got to where we are and unfortunately, there are no ghosts to help us more fully understand ourselves and what we really need to do differently. This may be one reason that most of us abdicate our resolutions by March and fall back into our default behaviors. Sometime we need help to examine our past choices and to make better choices to get a different outcome.

I would suggest engaging a coach to help you sort out what you need to change based on the choices you have made in the past that are interfering with where you really want to be in your present and future life. You have the opportunity to not only choose but to design how you want to be. It is never too late to change as so dramatically demonstrated by our friend Scrooge. Remember, all who wander are not lost! 

"Power is the Ability to Achieve Purpose"

Here in the Nation's capital, there will be a gathering on the downtown Mall this coming Sunday to celebrate the unveiling of the Martin Luther King Jr. statue. As we all know, Dr. King was an eloquent speaker whose many wise quotes are often repeated in speeches, sermons, power point slides...well, he is well quoted! One of his quotes that especially resonates with me is about power and how he framed it. My pastor observes (and I definitely agree with her!) that most of us recoil when we hear the word power because we have sometimes witnessed the wielding of it in less than admirable ways. However, Martin Luther King Jr. viewed power in a very different way. He believed that "power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose." As individuals, groups, or even organizations, we often forget to consider the purpose aspect of why we are doing what we are doing.

I was recently in Baltimore and observed a group of protesters across the street from my hotel. These groups have sprung up all over the United States and seem to be in it for the long haul. However, as I watched them from my hotel window, I wondered if their power was being diluted because of a lack of purpose other than to demonstrate their anger about the economy, or the lack of jobs, or maybe it's that government is too big, or that government is not working...you see how confused I am about their purpose for protesting. They will probably align around a purpose sooner or later and then they may be able begin to mobilize others to help them achieve the social change they desire because others will understand the change chat. Otherwise, these groups may not be able to do little more than gain the occasional attention from the media when some of the groups' members become defiant and are put into jail.

In organizations, do we ask people to make a change without having identified the purpose? Or, as middle managers, do we fail to fully understand and appreciate the purpose because we had no say in the forthcoming change? And then shrug our shoulders and claim ignorance of purpose when asked by our staff, "why the change?"  Even if the impetus for the change comes from a higher level in the organization, it is our responsibility as managers to not only understand the purpose of the change but to facilitate it at our level and lower. This is where we stop being managers and start wearing our leader hats!

It has been my experience that many middle managers are often unaware of their power during an organizational change because they have not fully grasped the purpose of the change....all of the external political, social, and economic forces contributing to the change and the complex organizational cultural forces contributing to the resistance to the change...middle management being but one. As a matter of fact, middle managers can sometimes be the most significant bottleneck during organizational change because of their lack of ability to achieve purpose. Said another way, their lack of capability to assume power contributes to many change efforts going awry. So, if this is the case, what might organizations do ensure to "empower" their middle managers to lead during organizational change?

Adaptability: It's a Competence!

My ten year nephew was recently visiting us and of course, we had to do the museums. We are so lucky to have the Smithsonian museums here in Washington D.C. and regardless of the number of times I visit one of them, I always learn something new or a thought is triggered. Well, during our visit to the Natural History museum, Noah (my nephew) decided he wanted to watch the giant tarantula spider eat her weekly meal.  I am a little arachnophobic so watching a tarantula devour her prey is not my idea of having fun! So, I was walking around looking at some of the other insects and reading the inscriptions above their cages. One of the inscriptions above a cage of exotic insects caught my attention and triggered a thought. It basically was reminding us that the reason these insects had survived for hundreds of years was because they knew how to adapt to their environment. I probably would not have thought too much about this inscription if I had not recently seen the movie, Creation, and come across a quote by Charles Darwin…. “It is not the strongest of the species who survives nor the most intelligent but the ones most responsive to change.”  Not considered very strong or highly intelligent, these exotic little bugs had adapted to what was going on around them and had survived!

I then begin to think about organizations and the need to adapt to challenges if they are going to thrive in these rather tumultuous times. While unemployment is at its highest level since 1982, a Conference Board report released in January 2010 indicated that only 45 percent of people who are working and were surveyed said they were satisfied with their jobs. This number fell from more than 61 percent who said they were satisfied in 1987, the first year the survey was conducted. How does an organization survive less near thrive if the internal barometer of job satisfaction is contributing to a lack of energy, enthusiasm, or employee engagement….all needed to meet the external demands and increasing complexity in the 21^st century environment? 

In their Navigating through Complexity: System Thinking Guide, Herasymowych and Senko (2002) use an evocative weather metaphor to describe how increasing environmental change and complexity are creating a storm that few organizations are able to navigate.  I agree with their observations that “as the storm gains momentum, it lashes out in unpredictable ways, leaving many complex problems in its wake. You may deal with the resulting problems by trying to control what you can, or by trying to nullify the effects by keeping your nose down to get your work done. You may notice that almost every tack you take works less and less well, making you feel less competent to be effective. As change accelerates, it creates even more complexity, thus eroding your sense of competency, until all you have left are feelings of anger, hopelessness, and despair.”  Is this “storm” contributing to the increasing dissatisfaction we are seeing in many workplaces? If so, what are leaders supposed to do?

Effective leadership at all levels in an organization is a key driver for meeting the demands of our time. However, leaders must first demonstrate adaptability in their personal approach to leading organizational change. In other words (and although the bugs probably would not agree), adaptability must be recognized as a competence!

Dr. Stephen J. Zaccaro, a professor of psychology at George Mason University, identified adaptability as consisting of three core elements or characteristics: cognitive flexibility, emotional flexibility, and dispositional flexibility. Subsequent research has identified specific behaviors tied to each of these elements and found that having just one of these characteristics is not sufficient for leader adaptability. Leaders must exhibit two of the three characteristics to be perceived as adaptable. So, let’s get a better understanding of each one.

Cognitive flexibility is the ability to use different thinking strategies and mental frameworks. Some of the leadership behaviors that would be exhibited during the “storm” include nimble and divergent thinking; having an interest in developing new connections and new approaches; being able to appreciate and leverage differences; and having a knack for recognizing patterns and making sense of these patterns. There is evidence that we can continue to develop this flexibility as we mature but it is also possible to “get stuck” or plateau at a certain developmental level where we really are unable to use different thinking strategies or mental frameworks to understand what is going on around us. In other words, we can actually be in “over our heads” if the demands are exceeding our ability to be more cognitively flexible.

Emotional flexibility is the ability to manage our own emotions and deal adeptly with others’ emotions. Some of the leadership behaviors include being able to recognize our own emotions, preferences and intuition and be  able to self-regulate; having an increased awareness of others’ feelings, needs and concerns and is able to support others during change; being adept at engaging emotionally to help others get on board; and having a knack for building relationships across the organization. Self-management is one of the core skills contributing to emotional intelligence. It is dependent on our self-awareness and very important in helping us to not become “emotionally hijacked” during challenging or demanding situations. Both self-awareness and self-management antecedent to our ability to pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is going on with them as well as build relationships.

Dispositional flexibility (or personality-based flexibility) is the ability to remain optimistic and at the same time realistic. Adaptable leadership behaviors include being able to acknowledge a bad situation but also being able to visualize a preferred future; being genuinely and realistically optimistic about change and able to communicate that optimism to others; knowing our own tendencies and preferences related to change; and having a knack for rallying people to commit to and achieve goals. Many of us have probably not taken the time to examine and reflect how we react to change. We just know that we react! Some of us have a strong propensity for “mourning and groaning” while others pick up the baton and move smartly ahead with others following.

As we were hearing about hurricane Irene, many of my neighbors and I started getting ready so we would be able to weather the storm. We did not wait for the wind to start blowing or the rain to start falling! However, there were others up and down the Northeast coast who were dismissing the reports or hoping that the storm would make a detour at the last minute.  If you are a leader and you are already in the storm, you are probably just trying to keep the light house in view and hoping someone will be there to rescue the ship if it starts going down. As I said earlier, adaptability is a competence and the leadership behaviors associated with cognitive, emotional, and dispositional flexibility can be developed before the storm. What can you do to increase your adaptability?

First, you might want to get some feedback especially specific to your leadership performance during the last organizational or departmental “storm.” This feedback may come from a number of different sources including peers, direct reports, your boss, and even family members…anyone who may have come in contact with you as you were navigating the rough seas. Sometimes a 360 is useful but good coaches can also interview your circle of contacts and get some very useful feedback for you to use to identify areas for development and strategies to increase your adaptability. Next, identify challenging experiences where you can deliberately choose to practice different behaviors or develop new attitudes and perspectives. Changing a habit of thinking that has led to a certain behavior or behaviors can be a very uncomfortable and even exasperating experience. Therefore, having support in place is also very important. Support may be very individualized and comes in many forms including having a coach, mentors, and peers as well organizational structures, for example, formal leadership development program, peer coaching, learning circles or a community of practice. Feedback, challenge, and support may be thought of as the three-legged stool for helping to develop leader adaptability.

So, as I was staring at the bugs at the museum, I thought….a bug’s life is so much simpler than ours! It also occurred to me that these little insects had evolved over many, many years as they adapted to their environment.  I don’t know that as leaders we have the luxury of “many, many years” so I think gaining competence as an adaptive leader is an urgent challenge for most organizations. We will never go back to the “good ole days” when things were slower, life more predictable (at least we thought), and a command and control leadership style was acceptable. This is our new normal and as leaders we have to evolve to meet the demands. I agree with Robert Kegan (2009) who very astutely observes that “the challenge to change and improve is often misunderstood as a need to better ‘deal with’ or ‘cope with’ the greater complexity of the world. Coping and dealing involve adding new skills or widening our repertoire of responses. We are the same person we were before we learned to cope; we have simply added some new resources. We have learned, but we have not necessarily developed. Coping and dealing with are valuable skills, but they are actually insufficient for meeting today’s change challenges.”

If the bugs can develop new ways to meet their environmental challenges, surely we can do the same and not just survive, but thrive in our organizations! We may wander for a while but the wandering may be good for us as we explore, discover, reflect, and eventually move to a higher level of mental complexity better suited to meet the greater complexity of the world surrounding us. Remember, not all who wander are lost!

C'mon...not training again!

I was shopping a couple of days ago in a local grocery store. Since I am one of those people who very seldom goes to the grocery store with a list, it usually takes me longer because I  am trying to remember what I really need besides food for dinner. Anyway, as I was wandering from aisle to aisle, I heard an announcement calling all available individuals to the front to help with bagging. Shortly after this announcement, a second announcement was made calling individuals by name to report to the front to help with bagging. I smiled to myself and thought, so they did recognize that having baggers to support the cashiers was the appropriate intervention. Now, you are probably saying, why is she smiling about about this annoucement in a grocery store? And what is an intervention?

Well, this grocery store was my client once upon a time. You see, the CEO at headquarters wanted me to design a training workshop for the cashiers because the “mystery shopper” reports for the store reflected that the cashiers were not consistently asking customers seven required questions. I indicated that I could not design a workshop until I had collected some data to identify the learning needs. The mystery shopper data only reflected that the questions were not being consistently asked…not why.  So, I observed the cashiers, surveyed the cashiers, and had focus groups with the cashiers. And guess what? The cashiers knew the questions by heart but indicated that they did not always have enough time to ask the questions since they were also responsible for bagging the groceries. They were also very sensitive to the impact their bagging had on customer service….the lines got longer and the customers grew more inpatient. Their one request was to have help bagging when the lines were long and the store was busy.

 I thought…hmmm…this has nothing to do with training. The cashiers really want to ask the questions but wanted their customers to stand in line for as short a period of time as possible. They just wanted help with bagging the groceries when it was busy. They also thought having an opportunity to occasionally have meetings with management to make other improvement suggestions would really help resolve other issues but bagging was the red light right now.

So, I shared my findings with store management. They were surprised by the findings and proceeded to request....you guessed it....a  training workshop. My response was…”training for what?”  The cashiers knew their job and they knew what would contribute to efficiently moving customers through the grocery line. The managers responded that baggers were not allowed. Subsequently, my second recommendation was that perhaps they needed to re-examine the “bagger” policy and ask the cashiers for more input when revising it. The third recommendation was to re-consider if the seven questions added value by making a difference in customer satisfaction or providing data for process improvement. My last recommendation was to meet with the cashiers. I never did design the training workshop.

Listening to the announcement as I was strolling through the aisles of the grocery store made me smile because I was happy that management had decided to change the bagger policy and obviously was being creative when the need for baggers arose. AND, the only question I was asked when I checked out my groceries was, “did you find everything you needed?”  Of course, because of my sloppy shopping habits, I had to answer, “Yes and then some.” But what’s the take home message here? This was a classic case of a request for the wrong intervention.

What is an intervention? Most of us think of it as a medical term meaning “any measure whose purpose is to improve health or alter the course of disease.” However, the term is increasingly being acknowledged by both consultants and their clients to refer to activities that facilitate change.  In their book, Organization Development: Behavioral Science Interventions for Organization Improvement, French and Bell define an organization development interventions as “sets of structured activities in which selected organizational target groups or individuals engage in a task or sequence of tasks with the goals of organizational improvement and individual development.” There are different categories of interventions including diagnostic activities such as surveys or focus groups, team building activities, strategic management activities, coaching and counseling activities, educational and training activities and the list goes on. Unfortunately, many organizations default to education and training as the intervention of choice regardless of the issue.

A common pitfall associated with requesting or designing an intervention is usually the lack of data or working from an assumption about what is needed. Consequently, the wrong intervention is requested or designed based on little more than a hunch. For example, the grocery store assumed that the cashiers did not know they had to ask the seven questions, or how to ask the questions, or what questions to ask because of the mystery shoppers’ observations.  The focus was on the questions not being asked not why. However, the cashiers knew exactly what questions to ask although did express some curiosity about why they were asking these questions when no one asked them what the customers were saying. They also knew that customers became frustrated and upset when made to stand in line while the bagging was being done by the cashier.

On the other hand, management thought the intervention of choice was training since the issue had to do with a lack of skill or knowledge concerning question asking. Right? Wrong! The issue had not been clearly defined. The data from “diagnostic activities” not only provided insight into the inconsistent cashier performance but led to a very different type of intervention other than a training workshop.

A word of cautionwhen considering what needs to be done! Choosing the wrong interventions or sequencing interventions in a haphazard way may contribute to confusion, frustration, and the real issue left unaddressed. It is important to take the time to gather the data, identify the real issue or issues, design an appropriate intervention or sequence of interventions which may include training, and evaluate for effectiveness. I always like to ask the question, “is this a technical problem or an adaptive challenge?” Sometimes, it’s a combination of both but each requires a different approach.

 Surprisingly, in the case of getting baggers to help the cashiers, it took a little while to make it happen because the grocery store headquarters was stuck on the idea of having a training workshop even after store management saw the light. Thank goodness store management was willing to experiment and try different approaches for getting the cashiers the support they needed. Hence my smile as I was wandering the aisles of a very busy but successful grocery store. It reminded me that not all who wander are lost….it just takes a little time to find the way.

Whoops! I almost got hooked when…..

I was working with a new senior leadership team in a non-profit organization a few years ago. Susan, the new executive director (ED), had decided that she wanted to have a more collaborative relationship with her direct reports than her predecessor. She decided that having a senior leadership team to address some of the adaptive organizational challenges would be tremendously beneficial to her and the organization. Her predecessor’s decision making style had been more consultative. He would talk to his direct reports, get the information he needed to make a decision, and then make the decision. The majority of the direct reports in this organization started their career in this organization with this ED so really had no other reference for working with an executive director. As a matter of fact, they were the first to admit that they very comfortable with this style of problem solving and decision making since they “were able to tend to pressing issues in their functional areas.”

Susan decided to have a leadership team retreat to share her vision of the purpose of a senior leadership team and to begin the work of building a team increasing the trust among the members and improving their skills in problem solving and decision making together. Although most of senior leaders were clearly anxious about this new approach, they became increasingly receptive as they begin to see the potential of tapping into this collective intelligence to help address some serious issues. All except Mariam!

Mariam had been with the organization since she graduated from college and was very fond of the previous ED. She was not only anxious about having to accept new responsibilities as a member of the senior leadership team member but resented that the new ED was “changing things around here!” She wrote an email to me expressing her concerns about the competence of the new ED as a leader as well as some concerns about Susan’s character. When asked if she had expressed any of these concerns to the ED, she indicated the new ED would not listen. However, she had gone to the Chairman of the Board, whom she was good friends with and he had directed her to me to resolve the issue.

What issue? I was confused since the Board had hired the ED and she had only been in the organization three months but had received positive feedback from the Board during this short period. As I started thinking about Mariam….her anxiety about having to learn new skills and her reluctance to accept a different leadership style….I realized that is was not so much about Susan as it was about Mariam. Aha! Mariam wanted me to rescue her! I was being triangled!

So what does this mean? Triangulation is a concept originating from the study of dysfunctional family systems.  Simply put, think of Mariam as Person A located at one point of the isosceles triangle. Think about the Board Chairman as Person B, located at a second point of the triangle. And, think about me as Person C, located at the third point of the triangle and the two vectors of the triangle coming from Person A and Person B are pointing to me. Mariam and the Board member were attempting to address an issue that both were probably unaware of….Mariam’s anxiety and anger manifesting as a complaint about the competence and character of Susan. In her book, Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart, O’Neil points out that “when a stable interaction force field (whether it is a work team, a family, or an entire organization) encounters a challenge or disruption too large for its own resiliency, the people with it experience heightened anxiety.”  In this situation, Mariam’s anxiety had moved to a highly non-productive and unhealthy level. The Board member was trying to use me to stabilize her relationship with Mariam instead of dealing directly with Mariam’s accusation. Perhaps the Board member did not know how to deal with it or did not want to jeopardize the relationships with Mariam or the ED. Furthermore, Mariam was probably unconscious of how she was attempting to cope with her own anxiety. So, what did I do?

I could have easily gotten hooked into believing Mariam, sending her back to the Board member, or extending the triangle to another person in the organization, for example, HR. Instead, I decided to share with Mariam what I thought may be happening. In other words, I focused the attention away from the new ED and back onto Mariam and her coping (or lack of) with the recent changes in leadership and expectations. It took a couple of coaching conversations before Mariam began to acknowledge her own fear about being seen as an incompetent team member and not having the necessary skills for problem solving and decision making to confront some of the major challenges facing the organization. She finally agreed to go to Susan and make a request that the leadership team receive more training in team development skills and that time be allocated during team meetings to evaluate processes they were using during meetings. Mariam eventually became one of the team’s best facilitators and was often requested to facilitate “hard meetings” in other parts of the organization.

Now, you may be asking, “is this really a true story?” Well, I have changed the characters to shield the identities of real people. However let’s look at some alternatives to this story ending. In some organizations, Mariam may be asked to leave because of her “character assassination” of the new ED and lack of alignment with the team. In other organizations, the consultant may end up in collusion with Mariam and eventually fired because of the inability to provide effective consultation and coaching. And of course, we have this happy ending… Mariam self-correcting with some support… which probably occurs less frequently than I would like to admit.

Triangulation can contribute to an unrecognized and unhealthy pattern of behavior that undermines performance and working relationships.  The pattern has to first be recognized and then broken. As O’Neil points out, it takes both “backbone and heart.” However, all us are capable of starting with asking ourselves two simple but important questions…am I avoiding the real issue? Why? Sometimes we do need help answering these questions since we all have a blind side. Also we are definitely capable of moving into a defensive reasoning posture to protect ourselves….even if it is an imaginary threat. Some of us may be on the journey a little longer than others because of the learning curve. It takes time to think about our thinking and then decide to make a change in how we think. But remember, not all who wander are lost!