Whoops! I almost got hooked when…..

I was working with a new senior leadership team in a non-profit organization a few years ago. Susan, the new executive director (ED), had decided that she wanted to have a more collaborative relationship with her direct reports than her predecessor. She decided that having a senior leadership team to address some of the adaptive organizational challenges would be tremendously beneficial to her and the organization. Her predecessor’s decision making style had been more consultative. He would talk to his direct reports, get the information he needed to make a decision, and then make the decision. The majority of the direct reports in this organization started their career in this organization with this ED so really had no other reference for working with an executive director. As a matter of fact, they were the first to admit that they very comfortable with this style of problem solving and decision making since they “were able to tend to pressing issues in their functional areas.”

Susan decided to have a leadership team retreat to share her vision of the purpose of a senior leadership team and to begin the work of building a team increasing the trust among the members and improving their skills in problem solving and decision making together. Although most of senior leaders were clearly anxious about this new approach, they became increasingly receptive as they begin to see the potential of tapping into this collective intelligence to help address some serious issues. All except Mariam!

Mariam had been with the organization since she graduated from college and was very fond of the previous ED. She was not only anxious about having to accept new responsibilities as a member of the senior leadership team member but resented that the new ED was “changing things around here!” She wrote an email to me expressing her concerns about the competence of the new ED as a leader as well as some concerns about Susan’s character. When asked if she had expressed any of these concerns to the ED, she indicated the new ED would not listen. However, she had gone to the Chairman of the Board, whom she was good friends with and he had directed her to me to resolve the issue.

What issue? I was confused since the Board had hired the ED and she had only been in the organization three months but had received positive feedback from the Board during this short period. As I started thinking about Mariam….her anxiety about having to learn new skills and her reluctance to accept a different leadership style….I realized that is was not so much about Susan as it was about Mariam. Aha! Mariam wanted me to rescue her! I was being triangled!

So what does this mean? Triangulation is a concept originating from the study of dysfunctional family systems.  Simply put, think of Mariam as Person A located at one point of the isosceles triangle. Think about the Board Chairman as Person B, located at a second point of the triangle. And, think about me as Person C, located at the third point of the triangle and the two vectors of the triangle coming from Person A and Person B are pointing to me. Mariam and the Board member were attempting to address an issue that both were probably unaware of….Mariam’s anxiety and anger manifesting as a complaint about the competence and character of Susan. In her book, Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart, O’Neil points out that “when a stable interaction force field (whether it is a work team, a family, or an entire organization) encounters a challenge or disruption too large for its own resiliency, the people with it experience heightened anxiety.”  In this situation, Mariam’s anxiety had moved to a highly non-productive and unhealthy level. The Board member was trying to use me to stabilize her relationship with Mariam instead of dealing directly with Mariam’s accusation. Perhaps the Board member did not know how to deal with it or did not want to jeopardize the relationships with Mariam or the ED. Furthermore, Mariam was probably unconscious of how she was attempting to cope with her own anxiety. So, what did I do?

I could have easily gotten hooked into believing Mariam, sending her back to the Board member, or extending the triangle to another person in the organization, for example, HR. Instead, I decided to share with Mariam what I thought may be happening. In other words, I focused the attention away from the new ED and back onto Mariam and her coping (or lack of) with the recent changes in leadership and expectations. It took a couple of coaching conversations before Mariam began to acknowledge her own fear about being seen as an incompetent team member and not having the necessary skills for problem solving and decision making to confront some of the major challenges facing the organization. She finally agreed to go to Susan and make a request that the leadership team receive more training in team development skills and that time be allocated during team meetings to evaluate processes they were using during meetings. Mariam eventually became one of the team’s best facilitators and was often requested to facilitate “hard meetings” in other parts of the organization.

Now, you may be asking, “is this really a true story?” Well, I have changed the characters to shield the identities of real people. However let’s look at some alternatives to this story ending. In some organizations, Mariam may be asked to leave because of her “character assassination” of the new ED and lack of alignment with the team. In other organizations, the consultant may end up in collusion with Mariam and eventually fired because of the inability to provide effective consultation and coaching. And of course, we have this happy ending… Mariam self-correcting with some support… which probably occurs less frequently than I would like to admit.

Triangulation can contribute to an unrecognized and unhealthy pattern of behavior that undermines performance and working relationships.  The pattern has to first be recognized and then broken. As O’Neil points out, it takes both “backbone and heart.” However, all us are capable of starting with asking ourselves two simple but important questions…am I avoiding the real issue? Why? Sometimes we do need help answering these questions since we all have a blind side. Also we are definitely capable of moving into a defensive reasoning posture to protect ourselves….even if it is an imaginary threat. Some of us may be on the journey a little longer than others because of the learning curve. It takes time to think about our thinking and then decide to make a change in how we think. But remember, not all who wander are lost!

How We Get in Our Own Way...

This is one of my favorite Buddhist stories because the ending might be interpreted in many different ways.

One day, two Buddhist monks, one young and one elderly, were returning to their monastery in silence. It had been a long trip and each was tired and caught up in their thoughts. Listening to their thoughts, watching each step and witnessing everything, they came upon a rushing river. As they approached the river, they noticed there was no boatman to carry them across. There was a young woman also waiting for the boat man to cross the river. The two monks decided to cross the river since it would soon be dark.

On the bank, the young woman was hesitating and asked the younger of the two monks for help. He exclaimed, “Don't you see that I am a monk? I took a vow of chastity!”

“I require nothing from you that could impede your vow. I am only asking you to help me to cross the river,” replied the young woman. “I cannot help you,” responded the monk.

'It doesn't matter,” said the elderly monk. “Climb onto my back and we will cross together.”

Having reached the other side of the river, the elderly monk put down the young woman who, in return, thanked him graciously. She left his side and both monks continued their route in silence. Close to the monastery, the young monk could not stand it anymore and said to the elderly monk, “How could you carry that woman on your back. It's against our rules.  Someone else could have helped her across the river.”

"What woman?" the elderly monk inquired groggily.

"Don't you even remember? That woman you carried across the river," the young monk replied incredulously.

"Oh, her," laughed the sleepy monk. "I only carried her across the river. You have carried her all the way back to the monastery."

I am always thinking about “what am I still carrying around in my head?” that is getting in my way of achieving a goal or changing a certain behavior. Are there rules that I have made up or have inherited from some authority figure? Or, are there certain taboos enforced by a community that I associate with and I feel the need to conform? Maybe, I have made certain assumptions and not bothered to challenge myself? As a matter of fact, I don’t even recognize them for what they are…assumptions!

Unfortunately, all of us have some of the “young monk” in us. Consequently, by clinging to outdated rules, undermining habits of thinking, or unexamined beliefs, we are less effective as leaders or managers. Why? Because these rules, thinking habits, and beliefs directly influence our behaviors and may impact others in a negative way. For example, we can easily curb the enthusiasm for innovation or creative thinking of employees by responding to new ideas with “it's against our rules.”

We need to become more self-aware of our thinking habits and beliefs. Self-awareness is a key component our increasing our personal competence. It helps us to stay on the top of our typical reactions to specific situations, challenges, and people. Increasing our self-awareness is not about lying on the couch and pondering our unconscious or the deep, dark secrets of our childhood. Rather, “it comes from a straightforward and honest understanding of what makes us tick.” And what can we do to increase your self-awareness?

The most important first step is feedback. There are many strategies for getting feedback from peers, employees, supervisor and even our family. We need to decrease our blind side by increasing our knowledge about how our behavior impacts others. The second step is turning this feedback into a realistic plan for personal change. This includes identifying all the competing interests for not changing as well as what we stand to gain from the change. Many of us have a difficult time doing all of this work by our self so the third step is getting a coach to help with your journey. A coach can help us to with identify goals and actions for a personal change plan. Many organizations do not blink an eye about bringing in an organizational effectiveness consultant to help them with strategic and action planning as well as strategy implementation. The coach helps at the individual level.

As leaders, it is imperative that we don’t allow the “young monk” inside of us to sabotage our ability to positively influence others to help make changes.  However, we have to be willing and ready to make some personal changes and sometimes that is the hardest beginning of the change process. And remember, not all who wander are not lost!

Is the Banana Worth It?

     Although this experiment is attributed to Harry Harlow, a social psychologist, it is impossible to find the original research. But, since I am into metaphorical thinking, it suits my needs to use this metaphor to explain what is often seen in organizations when the question is asked “why are you doing this?”
     In this alleged research study, five monkeys were placed in a cage with stairs leading to a ripe banana. One monkey climbs the stairs to retrieve the banana, but hidden at the top of the stairs was a water spray which showered water over the monkey. So the monkey abandoned the attempt. Another monkey tried; it too was sprayed with water. Each monkey in turn tried, but each was doused and eventually gave up. The researchers turned off the water spray and removed one monkey from the cage, replacing it with a new one. The new monkey saw the banana and immediately tried to climb the stairs. However, to its horror, the other monkeys leapt up and stopped it.
     Over time the researchers removed and replaced all the original monkeys. However, every time a newcomer approached the stairs, the other monkeys stopped it from climbing up. None of the remaining monkeys had ever been sprayed, but still no monkey approached the stairs to reach the bananas. As far as they knew, that was the way it had always been done, and so the habit was formed.
     Of course, humans are so much more complex than our distant cousins but our behavior is sometimes just as predictable when it comes to problem solving in a group. And why is this? It is partially related to the influence of group culture on its members.. Edgar Schein offers a formal definition of group culture as “a pattern of shared basic assumptions that was learned by a group as it solved its problems of external adaptation and internal integration, that has worked well enough to be considered valid and, therefore, to be taught to new members as the correct way to perceive, think, and feel in relation to those problems.” In subgroups in organizations, the shared assumptions may be questioned by new comers as they are trying “get the banana”. However, because the old members in the group may not even remember why they are doing what they are doing, their response may be like the monkeys…they chastise the new member. After a while, the new member forms the same habits as the other group members and thus, the status quo is preserved.
     Preservation of the status quo is fine unless it interferes with how adaptive the group is to meeting challenges that are inferfering with progress toward new goals. If the same group of people always sit together in the cafeteria, no big deal! On the other hand, if this group fails to examine its own norm of denying group members the opportunity to share different perspectives or views during problem solving, this may be reinforcing a status quo that is not benefitting the group members or the organization. It is a lost opportunity for exploring new possibilities, learning, and innovative thinking.
     The surfacing and examination of assumptions supporting unacceptable behavior related to cultural conditioning is not for the weak or uncourageous. It requires some introspective  preparation including by asking yourself some hard questions like:

·       What difference will it make if I do challenge the status quo?

·       What are my intentions for challenging the status quo?

·       What outcomes do I expect?

·       What capabilities do I need to challenge the status quo?

·       Am I willing to change my behaviors if I expect a change to occur?

     The monkey and banana story is certainly a simplistic way of looking at rather complex human behaviors and change but it’s a great story to remember whenever we find our selves asking the question “why are we doing this?” and the response is something like “we have always done it like this!” Most of us know that just because we have always done soemthing in a certain way does not mean that it cannot be changed. However, we may first have to acknowledge how much do we really want to change or how much do we want the banana, what are we are willing to risk to get it, and do we have the courage to take the risks to get it. Somethimes we will get the banana on the first try and sometimes we will be sprayed with the water a number of times before we can grab it. Change is not easy but sometimes getting the banana is worth it!  Remember, not all who wander are lost!

Football Makes Me Humble

I was not much of a football fan until about five years ago. I can now admit that the reason I did not like the game is because I did not understand it. As a matter of fact, I oftentimes found myself being quite judgemental of folks who did enjoy the game. For example, my husband! And then one Sunday afternoon, I was sitting in the family room reading while my husband was watching a football game. Now, my husband is usually very under-animated but he was cheering and booing and talking to the television...it caught my attention! I started asking questions about what certain players were doing and why they were doing  it. The next Sunday afternoon, I continued to ask questions. By the end of the season, I understood the game! But you might be asking, "how did football make you humble?".

It does not matter how many games I watch, I have to continue to ask questions because there is always something I do not understand. My mother, who is 88 and an avid football fan, may be the one who answers the question. My husband, who never played the game but knows it so well may be the one who answers the question. The kid down the street with a learning difference  may be the one who answers the question. In other words, I have to be willing to admit that I do not always understand what is going on as the players are running up and down the field and I have to turn to these other "experts" who I may not have considered. But, I have learned to ask questions to learn and get their diverse perspectives on the game.

Often we do not grasp what is going on in our organizations, communities or even our own families because we fail to ask questions of curiosity or understanding or get diverse perspectives from the various players in our life. You have to be willing to admit that you don't know and many of us, especially leaders, are not very good at admitting our ignorance especially if someone disagrees with us. Football has made me humble because I have had to admit that I do not know. But, with the humility has come learning and understanding ....what a gift. Not all who wander are lost!